Friday, February 5, 2016

A Day to Remember, but I almost didn't

Today is February 5th.  Four years ago today, after a years long infertility journey, I laid on a hospital exam room table, waiting with bated breath for confirmation of what my heart already knew. My eyes searched and searched for that familiar blinking light on the ultrasound screen, but it was no longer there inside that tiny little body that we had grown to love so much. Then the words came. "I'm so sorry." I'll never forget that moment or any detail of it. Even how the ultrasound tech also had tears in her eyes. The air escaped my body and I couldn't breathe. The silence was eerie. There were no words. We just held each other and cried for what felt like a very long time. I remember thinking they had to be wrong.  At least that's what I tried to convince myself of. As we walked out, one of the doctors cheerily said she hoped to see us back under happier circumstances in three months as if something life changing hadn't just happened. I think I actually offered her a smile. I didn't have the energy to tell her how that wasn't that right thing to say. To walk in with so much hope and being so afraid of the outcome and then to walk out and wish they didn't send you home to wait for the inevitable. You just wanted it to be over. Such a sad sad day.

So, today, four years later, the day was half gone when my wonderful husband asked if there was anything I'd like to do to mark the day in remembrance. I asked him if it was horrible that I hadn't even remembered what day it was and that I didn't have much emotion attached to it anymore. I mean, yes, as I sit back now and reflect, the tears are flowing thinking of that sacred day, but not in longing or sadness really. It's more a feeling of looking back and remembering how far we've come and how much we've overcome and how much hope there is in life. He agreed that he feels the same way.

If you are facing a similar situation in your life right now, please take heart. It will get easier. You won't always feel as devastated as you do this very minute. You will find joy again and you will be able to look back and be grateful for it all, even the really really hard stuff. At least I hope and pray you will.

No comments:

Post a Comment