Saturday, May 7, 2016

It's YOUR Day Mamas

Can we just be real for a minute? I will preface this by saying that I realize everyone's experience is different. I couldn't possibly touch on every single perspective on one blog post. This is just my current experience and Lord knows that things can change in an instant. I am going to put myself out there a little on this one. Actually, A LOT, but I feel it is necessary!

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. There are posts floating all over the internet about what Mother's Day means to you. Some are writing about how much they love their kiddos. I'd say that's the common denominator for sure. Some are writing about how they can't wait to be served breakfast in bed after sleeping in a little. Some are excited to snuggle with their kids all day. Some are looking forward to some alone time. No wiping butts or breaking up fights for a day. Can I get an Amen!? Some are talking about the struggle they had or are currently having to become a mom and that as a result they are just so grateful for every second when it finally happens. They want to spend every second with their kids on Mother's Day.

Ok so here's where I'm going to get real. Most of you know the struggle and sadness we went through on our infertility journey. It was full of longing. It was so incredibly painful. I would've done anything to claim the title of Mom during that time. Losing our baby was one of the saddest things I've ever experienced. At times, I thought I'd never recover. I'd wake up with panic attacks in the middle of the night. It was truly awful. I thought I'd never be a mom. It literally consumed my mind.

Then, with our decision to adopt, there was so much paperwork and red tape to get through. The process dragged on for what felt like forever. I could not wait to hold Gideon in my arms for the first time. When that day finally came, it was so scary and emotional, yet so exciting. A day and moment I will never forget. It often brings me to tears just thinking about it.

So yes, I'm with you ladies. The struggle creates such intense sweetness when that longing is finally fulfilled. But here's the thing... Just because I went through a struggle to become a mom to my two boys DOES NOT MEAN I LOVE IT ALL THE TIME!

There is this cloud of judgment about this issue. That if you know the longing, you are just always so grateful that you get to be a mom. I call BS! Yes, I said BS!

Some days, I wonder what the heck I was thinking longing for so many years for what I currently have. I mean don't get me wrong. I would NEVER trade my kids. All the hard is worth it. I mean, at least I hope it will be one day. Some days you have to wonder. Adoption is not all pretty. In fact, some of it is downright messy. Like really really messy. Heck, parenting is in general. You can go from a sweet moment to a full blown rage in about 2.25 seconds when you are dealing with the effects of trauma in your family. So sometimes I wish I could run for the hills. We are still in the daily hard with our little Bishop. We are fighting to win each other's hearts, but it's just been a much much different experience over the last 2 1/2 years. So to say I'm just so grateful and could never complain and that I love every minute would be absolutely ridiculous. Insert gag and eye roll.

We have a God who sustains us and His mercies are new every morning. We certainly need that. He knows the desires in our hearts and He truly fulfilled my longing to be a Mama. There's just a lot of other stuff that comes along with it and it is REALLY REALLY HARD.

My point is, for all you mamas who struggled to take on that title, who maybe feel shamed or judged for wanting to just get away from your kids for a day, please don't! I get it. I see you. I'm with you all the way. It doesn't mean we love our kids any less. Heck, I'd actually say we're pretty darn smart for knowing we need to take care of us to be the best we can be for them. Cuz this mothering thing is not for the faint of heart. Take care of YOU, sweet mamas, and hold your heads up high! There is no shame in not loving every second!

Happy Mother's Day to all! I hope you get to spend your day exactly how YOU want to.

2 comments:

  1. Standing up and clapping in my heart for your real and honest words. Yes. Yes. Yes. I didn't experience the heartbreak and longing of which you speak to get here but the hard of our last three years has made it VERY difficult to be real about the un-fun side of adoption with those who don't get it. We are finally finding good grooves that work for us (thank GOD IN HEAVEN for our beloved Miss Judy, OT extraordinaire!) but the hard is still hard. Just less hard all the time hard, ya know? BRAVA - your brave honest words are so necessary for others. SO good.

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    1. Love you lady and miss you too! We need a phone date asap!

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